Losing My Religion

You can listen to the Podcast version of this episode here.

Captain Faithful

When I was a teenager, I might as well have worn a M on my chest.

I wasn't just John Hummel - I was John Hummel, Mormon - or more accurately, Member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Try saying that one three times after sucking on a piece of ice. (For that matter, try saying anything after sucking on a piece of ice for awhile - it's kind of fun). When I woke up, I was a Mormon who got up at 4 AM because I had to go to Seminary before school - an hour of scripture study for the day. When I went to class I didn't swear, because I was a Mormon. Every Wednesday I went to the church building for Boy Scouts, where Mormon teachings mixed with the Scout Law. Every Sunday was church, where for three hours I'd pass, later prepare, and still later bless the sacrament as a Priesthood holding Mormon teenage man should. Nearly every month there was a dance or two just for Mormon teenagers (14 and older only), where I'd dance with good Mormon girls, and our bodies would never get closer than the thickness of a Book of Mormon held between us.

I loved my church. I prepared for the day I'd serve a mission by reading the writings of the LDS prophets, the Bible, the Book of Mormon, and other works of scripture. Of course, part of that are the 13 Articles of Faith.

The 13 Articles of Faith are kind of a "short hand version to understanding Mormons." If you took the random member of the LDS church in good standing, and asked them "What does your religion believe," they'd rattle off these 13 points. These start with the nature of God, what one must do to be saved, belief in miracles - and a person's relationship with their government.

So of course as a good Mormon, I had these memorized the same way I had memorized the Scout Law, along with likely hundreds of other scriptural references I had learned through those years of seminary. I fully understood that as a Mormon I believed in "honoring and sustaining the law", and in Freedom of Religion. As much as I loved to talk to other people about my faith, I was certainly not to force them into my religion. That violated the 11th Article of Faith:

We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may.

My father was explaining the concept of civil rights when he said something that stuck with me: "My rights end at the edge of your nose." Basically, you could say whatever you wanted, do whatever you want, but the second you tried to touch another person or their property - you were in the wrong. Later on in life, I would read John Stuart Mill, who mirrored almost exactly the same sentiments:

The sole end for which mankind are warranted, individually or collectively, in interfering with the liberty of action of any of their number, is self-protection. That the only purpose for which power can be rightfully exercised over any member of a civilized community, against his will, is to prevent harm to others. His own good, either physical or moral, is not sufficient warrant. He cannot rightfully be compelled to do or forbear because it will be better for him to do so, because it will make him happier, because, in the opinion of others, to do so would be wise, or even right...The only part of the conduct of anyone, for which he is amenable to society, is that which concerns others. In the part which merely concerns himself, his independence is, of right, absolute. Over himself, over his own body and mind, the individual is sovereign.

It was a simple idea - I mind my business, you mind yours, and everybody gets along just fine. Seems so often in history things start going to pot when one group of people try to enforce their beliefs on others. I hate to go Rodney King on everybody but the answer to "can't we all just get along" seems to be "no" once one group says "Worship my way - or else!"

The Breakup

I think losing your religion is a lot like going through a divorce. You don't know exactly when you realize you can't live with the other person any more. Or when you ceased to love them - if you ever did.

But the feelings of loss are there. Wondering what will happen with your friends - will they go with you or when your former partner if you see them at all? That sense of identity, of belonging to something greater than just yourself.

I'm not sure when my faith in God began to waver. I know it was a gradual process as my reason started to wonder about the inconsistencies of religious teachings to the real world.

Mostly, it was a personal issue. As I got older, I found I had never really felt the spirit of God moving me to do, well, anything. I did things because either they made sense, or my religion told me I should. But I never had those "sweet promptings of the Spirit" I was told.

And believe me - I tried. Fasting for days. Praying for hours to get some confirmation - any of feeling of that "burning in the bosom" you're suppose to get then Spirit of God tells you you've made the right decision.

Nothing.

Then there was just the effects of my reason. Why was God such a horrible, vindictive bastard in the Old Testament, then a much *less* vindictive bastard in the New Testament? Even in the New Testament, there was plenty for God to be mad over - women who actually speak up against their husbands or homosexuality. Why was God always so angry when he wasn't telling us how much he loved us?

And then the general setup. God's going to send people on Earth, and if you get the right answer, then you go to Heaven or degrees of Glory. Get it wrong - and man, doesn't it just suck to be you. Forever. It's like telling my kids they get to take a test, and if they don't get it right the first time, they'll be garbage workers for the rest of their lives. Sorry, no take backs! Oh, and by the way - we're not going to teach you what's on the test, you just have to "feel" what's correct or not.

I'm sure just by writing this I'm sending Christians and Mormons into an absolute fit - obviously I should have been working harder at my faith, or praying more, or reading more scriptures or - something. And like I did - I tried. I really did, but ultimately I came to the understanding that I just didn't believe in God. It didn't work work when applied to my knowledge of science and own powers of reason.

I just didn't believe anymore.

But I still went to church. Sang the songs, participated in the meetings, performed my callings. After all, even if I didn't believe anymore, there was my wife and children to think about. Besides all else, I was still a Mormon - it still formed a central part of my identity. Whenever I traveled on business, I could rest assured that I was going to be the designated driver. After all, I was a Mormon, Mormons don't drink - so John got to drive. While other coworkers had their morning coffee, I'd drink ice water.

I stayed in the church because I felt it to be harmless. It was something for my children to do, to give them structure. It was benign - after all, other than annoying people with missionaries, the Mormon church is harmless. Actually does quite a bit of good with their work programs, feeding the hungry, and assisting in disasters.

In 2008, that changed.

One Sunday while I sat in church, members of the local leadership came to our building to push members to work on behalf of Florida Proposition 2 - a constitutional amendment to the Florida constitution that would bar gay marriage. We were assured this was not a "political" action - it was just concerned citizens.

I had a problem with this. I'm not gay. But I still believe in that central idea of Liberalism - that people should stay out of other people's business. If the Mormon church wants to say it doesn't like gay marriage, fine. That's their right. But for the church, or any church, to try to impose its religious beliefs onto other people -

No. Hell no.

When they came to my pew to hand me a copy of the ballot so sign and mail, I refused. Honestly, I expected some sort of reprimand. I think a part of me wanted to be called before the church leaders for censure or something, just so I'd have an excuse to leave the church. Instead, I was given a minor leadership position.

Yeah - shocked me as well. I hoped this could be a good thing. I could continue to push for more charitable activities or something useful. More useful than barring people from getting married. Instead, over the months, the issue intensified through the 2008 election. I watched with growing horror the resources that the LDS church asked members to put into pushing California's Proposition 5 (another state constitutional amendment that sought to ban gay marriage).

The real moment came when I was sitting in church, and heard one member lament how the Proposition 5 issue was hard on his family. "At school, they teach our children to be tolerant," he said. "And it's hard to explain to them why they shouldn't be, because of God's commandments."

That was it. I was done. If this was going to be the direction that the Mormon church was taking, teaching people to be intolerant, than forget it. If the Mormon church was going to encourage members to spend millions of dollars just to keep gay people from getting married - you know, because "that's icky", then I wasn't going to be a part of it any longer.

I didn't believe in God, so either I could keep lying and say I did and keep going to church - or, I could be honest. Come on out and say I didn't, and decide to do things because they were the right thing to do, not because someone else said I should.

So I came out of the closet. I'm an atheist, proud to be one. I still work to help the homeless and the sick and the needy - ironically, the things Jesus said to do (as opposed to the stuff Jesus never spoke about, like abortion and gay marriage). But I just don't believe in God any more.

But - I'm still curious. About the universe, about history - and about other people. And that includes what they believe.

Which lead to me asking, "Just what do other faith's believe?"